


Too Painful a Love

by Tei_Chan



Category: K-pop, VIXX
Genre: Angst and Feels, First Time, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 06:49:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4696253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tei_Chan/pseuds/Tei_Chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tender kiss, a broken promise, and excruciating pain make Cha Hakyeon discover the true nature of love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Painful a Love

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of firsts in this fic: my first attempt at writing sex, my first attempt at writing VIXX's Neo/Leon, my first attempt at writing a M/M K-pop fic, my first completed fic. Ever. I apologize in advance for any and all grammatical errors (there's no way I'd force a friend to beta read this), overlooked items, inaccurate character depiction, and inaccurate sex. Basically, I apologize. Constructive criticism is appreciated, cruelty is not. I hope it's not too bad. So there. Thank you.

            Hakyeon returned to their dorm much earlier than planned since his last schedule had been postponed to a later date. One would think that he would have welcomed the break with open arms, but he was actually a nervous wreck outside the door of their dorm. With his hand poised to stick the key in the lock, Hakyeon realized that he was shaking. He wanted to laugh at himself and slap himself simultaneously. This was ridiculous. But, ridiculous or not, the anxiety he felt clawing at his consciousness was completely real, even if unjustifiably exaggerated.

            Lowering his hand back down to his side, Hakyeon closed his eyes and took a couple deep breaths. After a cheesy mental pep talk, he managed to successfully unlock the door and go inside. Thankfully, the man he was both excited and terrified to see wasn’t in the living room. With a little sigh of relief, Hakyeon bent down to untie his shoes. He took them off and properly turned them around to face the door. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the only other pair of shoes in the entryway.

            They really were alone.

            All of the other members were otherwise engaged until late at night, as he knew from the calendar he painstakingly studied that week. Everyone, that is, except Taekwoon. The two had the dorm to themselves for a good several hours before the others would start trickling in at staggered intervals.

            The fact that he and Taekwoon were alone at the dorm was, in and of itself, nothing worthy of concern. Because Taekwoon was the only one in the group of the same age, it was nice to just be in each other’s company as friends. And, as he had stated many times before, Taekwoon was a lifelong friend. But as time had gone by, Hakyeon had developed more reasons, or rather, more feelings, that made any private moments between the two of them special and precious.

            The one difference that changed everything is that Hakyeon now knew that Taekwoon felt the same way. After a couple years of always skirting around the looming truth between them, the two had finally addressed their feelings for each other. Neither was capable or desirous of denying their feelings. The effort would have been futile, anyway, considering how well they knew each other.

            And now, Hakyeon and Taekwoon were alone for the first time since their mutual confession.

            Hakyeon did and didn’t want to find out where Taekwoon was and what he was doing. He felt like a young teenager going on a first date, but he extinguished such thoughts as soon as he had them since the two had agreed to strictly remain friends. After all, their group, their lifestyle, their society…nothing was on their side. Maybe in a different place, in a different time, or under different circumstances, this—they—could actually become an accepted reality. But such was not the case.

            Reminded of the seriousness with which they had promised to suppress their feelings, Hakyeon’s fluttering nervousness shifted into a solemn sorrow. He really just wanted to turn around and leave, but that would also break their promise to stay as they had always been, treating each other normally so that no one would notice anything. Avoidance wasn’t the answer.

            Hakyeon resolved himself to go find Taekwoon, as he usually did, and to simply enjoy the friendship the two of them shared. He should be thankful for what he already had, anyway. At the very least, he had Taekwoon as a best friend and an undying support. It would be selfish to want any more.

            Mind made up, Hakyeon went to find Taekwoon. He wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen. That really only left one place, their shared bedroom. The door was slightly ajar, and Hakyeon felt like a creepy stalker as he tried to peer through the crack. Shaking his head at himself, he pushed the door open without any further hesitation.

            Taekwoon was on his futon, lying on his back with his legs crossed at the ankle. Clad in a white tank top and a half-zipped black sweatshirt, hood up of course, and a pair of black track pants with two white stripes running down the outsides of his long legs, Taekwoon didn’t notice Hakyeon right away. He was holding his phone sideways in front of his face, watching a video, and he had his earbuds in.

            After a few seconds, Taekwoon’s eyes slid over to Hakyeon. He sat up abruptly and pulled his earbuds out. Hakyeon waited for Taekwoon to say something.

            “You’re early,” Taekwoon stated matter-of-factly. His gentle voice made Hakyeon’s heart skip a beat.

            “Yeah.”

            “Why?”

            “My schedule was postponed. It was the last one of the day, so I got to come home.”

            “Oh.”

            “Yeah.”

            The silence felt slightly awkward, and so did the way Hakyeon was standing quite some distance from Taekwoon, still only a couple feet into the bedroom. Reminding himself to act normally, Hakyeon walked over to Taekwoon’s futon and plopped himself down on it. He scooted closer to Taekwoon and tried to look at his phone.

            “Whatcha watching?” he asked, tone falsely bright.

            “Kim Kwang Seok…”

            “Ooo!” Hakyeon moved even closer, his arm brushing against Taekwoon’s as he leaned closer to look at the screen. “Is it a live performance? Which song?”

            In his peripheral vision, Hakyeon could see Taekwoon looking at him with a peculiar expression. He swallowed nervously during the awkward pause.

            “…‘Too Painful a Love Was Not Love,’” Taekwoon finally responded.

            “Oh, I love that song!” Hakyeon exclaimed, and he could hear the strain in his own voice. He held out his hand to Taekwoon. “I want to listen to it.”

            Taekwoon silently placed one of the earbuds in Hakyeon’s outstretched hand and then put the other in his own ear. Hakyeon followed suit and waited for Taekwoon to restart the video. Taekwoon pressed play, and they both glued their eyes to the screen.

            Kim Kwang Seok was sitting alone on the stage, playing the guitar, and alternating between playing the harmonica and singing. He was a legend for a reason. The song was sad yet beautiful, and Kim Kwang Seok sang it with such sincere emotion. Hakyeon got goosebumps when he heard the last line, feeling the intensity and truth of the lyrics.

            After the song ended, the silence and awkwardness quickly became too much to bear for Hakyeon. He had been trying his hardest to act like he always did around Taekwoon, but things were undeniably different now. Emotions, especially love, are not easy to quench. His chest felt tight and uncomfortable; his mind felt sluggish and incoherent.

            Unable to take it anymore, Hakyeon ripped the earbud out of his ear and stood up. He turned his back to Taekwoon, not wanting to see whatever reaction he had. Just as he was about to make some half-hearted excuse for leaving the dorm, Taekwoon’s hand closed around his wrist. The grip was tight and demanding. Hakyeon gritted his teeth to keep from crying. He compelled himself to sound indifferent.

            “What,” he said pointedly.

            Taekwoon was characteristically silent. Hakyeon dared to sneak a glance at him. He was hunched over, as if hiding from something. If it wasn’t for his hand crushing Hakyeon’s wrist, he would have seemed apathetic to the situation.

            “What do you want,” he repeated, letting some exasperation bleed into his tone. Even though he was head over heels in love with Taekwoon, he still got upset when Taekwoon blatantly refused to speak.

            Suddenly, Taekwoon raised his head to look Hakyeon in the eye.

            “Stay,” he whispered.

            As always, Hakyeon was able to understand the hundreds of unspoken words behind Taekwoon’s single spoken one. He could also read Taekwoon’s poker face like an open book. Desperation. Insecurity. Desire. It was like looking into a mirror.

            Reality allowed him a brief moment of happiness before it came crashing down on his shoulders like a tidal wave. Hakyeon tried to carry that crippling weight, forcing himself to be cold and cruel.

            “Why should I? It’s not like there’s any reason for me to,” Hakyeon said while looking Taekwoon right in the eye.

            Perhaps shocked or hurt by his words, Taekwoon let go of his wrist. He averted his gaze, pulling his hood farther down his face and hunching over his slightly bent, outstretched legs. He looked pitiful, like a scared child or a stricken animal.

            Instantly guilty, and hurting just as much as Taekwoon, Hakyeon acted on complete impulse. He turned towards Taekwoon and planted one foot on each side of his legs. Before Taekwoon could even look up to see what he was doing, Hakyeon knelt down, straddling his thighs before he gently lowered himself onto them.

            Startled that Hakyeon was suddenly in his lap, Taekwoon leaned back, hands pressed into the futon to hold himself up. His eyes were wide and confused when he tilted his head back to search Hakyeon’s face. Ignoring his screaming conscience, Hakyeon lifted his hands to gently lower Taekwoon’s hood.

            “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

            He cupped Taekwoon’s face in both of his hands. He lost himself in Taekwoon’s eyes, drowning in them as they warily roamed over his face.

            “I’m sorry.”

            Hakyeon buried his left hand into Taekwoon’s hair, gripping roughly at the nape of his neck. His right hand helplessly caressed Taekwoon’s face, and Taekwoon closed his eyes.

            “I’m sorry.”

            Unshed tears hotly stung his eyes as his conscience returned with a vengeance. This was wrong. This was so wrong. He shouldn’t be doing this.

            “Just once,” Hakyeon said aloud, but mostly to himself. He leaned forward and down, slowly closing the distance between their faces. He was so close he could count the dark eyelashes brushing against Taekwoon’s cheeks as his closed eyelids fluttered in anticipation.

            “I’m sorry.”

            Hakyeon’s gaze flicked down to Taekwoon’s full, slightly parted lips. He moved in even closer, but paused with just millimeters between their lips. No, no, no, this wasn’t right. He should really stop before they crossed the boundary they swore never to cross.

            “I’m sorry,” he murmured one last time, his warm breath ghosting across Taekwoon’s lips. It would be selfish to do this. Wholly, utterly selfish.

            But Hakyeon had always been a little selfish, hadn’t he?

            Their lips met in a gentle kiss. It was sweet and tender, but brief. Hakyeon had to pull away and cover his eyes as a breathy sob escaped his mouth. Tears burned his cheeks. His emotions and thoughts warred with each other. He regretted giving in to his weakness, but wanted more. He felt guilty for breaking their promise and ashamed of his attraction to his best friend in the first place. He craved Taekwoon, but was terrified of the inevitable pain, mental and physical, if they did end up continuing.

            It wasn’t until he felt Taekwoon wrap his arms around his waist that Hakyeon was able to stop incessantly contemplating everything he had done wrong and everything wrong he still wanted to do. He wrapped his arms around Taekwoon’s neck and buried his face into Taekwoon’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, Taekwoon stroking Hakyeon’s back until Hakyeon simply had no more energy left to cry.

            Finally, Hakyeon pulled back to wipe his eyes and sniffle a little. He was thoroughly embarrassed at that point, having just bawled his eyes out on his friend’s shoulder while sitting on his lap. But Taekwoon didn’t seem to mind. He kept one arm around Hakyeon but released the other so he could gently pull Hakyeon’s hand away from his face. He immediately replaced Hakyeon’s hand with his own to wipe away the remaining tears on Hakyeon’s cheeks.

            Hakyeon closed his swollen eyes, relishing the sensation of Taekwoon’s thumb stroking his wet cheek. A disappointed sigh escaped his lips when Taekwoon’s touch was removed. But then he felt Taekwoon’s hand carefully grasp the back of his head. He flinched a little when he heard Taekwoon speak.

            “Hakyeon…look at me.”

            Reluctantly, Hakyeon opened his eyes and met Taekwoon’s burning gaze. He knew Taekwoon was trying to tell him so much with just his eyes, and he must have understood at least some of it because his nerves were calmed and his heartbeat was slowed. Taekwoon gently brought Hakyeon’s face toward his own. Hakyeon’s opened his mouth slightly, surprised that Taekwoon was taking the initiative to continue breaking their promise.

            Taekwoon tilted his head and stretched up to press his parted lips to Hakyeon’s. Hakyeon inhaled sharply through his nose as Taekwoon deepened the kiss. His mind went fuzzy as he focused solely on the feel of Taekwoon.

            The kiss quickly went from something pure and innocent to something desperate and impatient. Hakyeon had a death grip on Taekwoon’s neck, and Taekwoon had his hand fisted in Hakyeon’s hair. The sounds they made were amplified by the silent room. Inhibitions dismissed, the two found all the possible ways their lips could come together.

            Perfectly content to keep kissing Taekwoon like this, but also craving more, Hakyeon let his tongue snake out to trace the swell of Taekwoon’s lower lip. Taekwoon’s little gasp drew a sigh out of Hakyeon. Taking that response as a positive one, Hakyeon flicked his tongue against the middle of Taekwoon’s upper lip. He repeated that motion a couple more times before Taekwoon finally opened his mouth in a tentative manner.

            Hakyeon slid his tongue into Taekwoon’s mouth. He continued to explore Taekwoon, desperately wanting to taste as much of him as he possibly could in the little time they had together. A few soft whimpers escaped from Taekwoon, which only made Hakyeon go in deeper.

            After a couple minutes, Hakyeon was the one who had to pull away for air. His cheeks were flushed and his lips swollen. He rested his forehead on Taekwoon’s left shoulder, panting a little. As soon as his breathing calmed, Hakyeon lifted his head and pressed a kiss to Taekwoon’s ear.

            Without thinking too much of it, he gently bit down on Taekwoon’s earlobe. Taekwoon drew in a loud, ragged gasp as Hakyeon began sucking on and playing with his piercings. His hands clawed at Hakyeon’s back, pulling his T-shirt taut. Hakyeon was pleasantly surprised to find out that Taekwoon’s ears were sensitive. He released Taekwoon’s earlobe and then blew on it. The sudden change from Hakyeon’s warm, wet mouth to the cool gust of air had Taekwoon shuddering violently.

            Curious as to what other sensitive spots Taekwoon had, Hakyeon slowly pushed Taekwoon’s loose, black sweatshirt down his shoulders, exposing his prominent collarbones. Hakyeon gauged his reaction. Taekwoon’s pale face had a pink tinge dusted across his high cheekbones. His head was turned to his left to watch Hakyeon’s hand push his sweatshirt down. His mouth was slack, but his eyes were sharp as he analyzed Hakyeon’s every move.

            Hakyeon’s eyes razed over Taekwoon’s exposed neck. The tendon on the right side of his neck was tantalizing, moving slightly with each breath he took. He could even see Taekwoon’s veins through his pale skin. Curving his spine in a graceful arch, Hakyeon traced a blue vein up Taekwoon’s neck with his tongue. Taekwoon threw his head back, elongating his throat and making his Adam’s apple even more prominent.

            Hakyeon pressed a soft kiss there and immediately felt Taekwoon’s thighs twitch underneath him. Curling his body inward even more, Hakyeon’s mouth found Taekwoon’s collarbone. Hakyeon sucked Taekwoon’s skin in between his teeth and nibbled gently. Still feeling Taekwoon’s hands digging into his back, Hakyeon thought it would be okay to be a little rougher. He bit down hard enough to leave teeth marks, making Taekwoon’s entire body jerk in surprise. The slightly pained moan he let out went straight to Hakyeon’s groin.

            Hakyeon quickly pulled back and straightened to see Taekwoon’s face. His eyes were half-closed and glassy. His pink lips were parted as he panted shallowly through his mouth. Hakyeon wanted to kiss those beautiful lips again, but as he leaned down, Taekwoon suddenly lunged forward. Hakyeon’s eyes widened when Taekwoon pressed a line of kisses up the column of his throat. The soft caress of Taekwoon’s lips on his throat and his warm breath dancing across his skin tickled him. The way he nuzzled his nose against his jaw didn’t help either.

            Without warning, Taekwoon pressed a hot, open-mouthed kiss on the right side of his neck, just below his ear. Goosebumps erupted all over his limbs as Taekwoon began sucking at that spot. The little pulls of Taekwoon’s mouth on his skin felt wonderful and strange at the same time. He moaned quietly, eyes closed in focus.

            Taekwoon sucked at Hakyeon’s skin until a decent-sized bruise blossomed. Hakyeon had a feeling that Taekwoon was trying to leave his mark on him. The love bite was up much too high to cover with any kind of clothing except a turtleneck, which the weather would prohibit anyway. The thought worried him but was also a turn-on.

            Hakyeon gripped Taekwoon’s hair and roughly pulled him away from his neck for another kiss. They fought for power, nipping at each other’s lips and forcing their tongues in and out of each other’s mouths.

            Hakyeon was so into the kiss that he at first didn’t notice Taekwoon’s fingers go under the hem of his shirt. It wasn’t until he felt a cool breeze on his lower back that he realized Taekwoon was trying to take his shirt off. Suddenly nervous, Hakyeon pulled away and yanked his shirt back down. Taekwoon’s eyebrows pulled together in worry.

            “I’m sorry,” he apologized quickly.

            “No, no,” Hakyeon reassured him. “It’s okay. It’s just…well, I don’t really want to, uh, go first. I mean, I don’t want to pressure you, either, but…”

            Without saying anything, Taekwoon started unzipping his sweatshirt.

            “Taekwoon, you don’t have to…”

            “No, it’s fine,” Taekwoon interjected.

            He shrugged out of the sweatshirt and tossed it on the floor beside the futon. The ribbed, white tank top he had on underneath the sweatshirt was tight and clung to his body in a way that made Hakyeon swallow hard. Not pausing at all, Taekwoon lifted the tank top over his head and threw it on top of the discarded sweatshirt.

            Hakyeon tried not to stare. He really did. But his eyes raked over Taekwoon’s body of their own accord. His collarbones, his sculpted chest, and his toned stomach were simply beautiful in Hakyeon’s eyes. He admired and envied the flawless expanse of pale skin.

            Hakyeon found his gaze returning again and again to Taekwoon’s small, pink nipples. He wanted to touch them. Starting at his collarbones, Hakyeon lightly ran his fingertips all over Taekwoon’s skin. He traced the line between Taekwoon’s pecs, caressed his ribcage, and stroked his knuckles over his stomach.

            Hakyeon glanced at Taekwoon’s face. He was squeezing his eyes shut and biting his lip. Hakyeon noticed that his arms were trembling slightly as he held his body up. It was really nice to see him not in control of his reactions for once. Eyes returning once again to Taekwoon’s chest, Hakyeon lightly brushed the pad of his index finger over one of his nipples.

            Taekwoon’s eyes flew open, and his lips parted on a gasp. Reveling in his response, Hakyeon teased the other one. He gently flicked at it and rubbed it between his thumb and forefinger. He became a little rougher, making Taekwoon squirm beneath him, strong thighs clenching and unclenching. Curious to see how he would react, Hakyeon pinched both of Taekwoon’s nipples quite hard at the same time. A surprisingly loud moan tore from Taekwoon’s mouth as his head lolled backward, eyes closed and eyebrows furrowed. Hakyeon soothed his thumbs over Taekwoon’s reddening nipples, rubbing them in gentle circles. After a sigh through pursed lips, Taekwoon shifted his weight to one shaky arm so he could reach up and grab Hakyeon’s wrist.

            “Enough…” he groaned.

            Hakyeon immediately stopped touching Taekwoon and sat back.

            “Okay.”

            He waited for Taekwoon to catch his breath and watched him swallow. The way his Adam’s apple moved was bizarrely arousing. Suddenly, Taekwoon sat up. He wrapped his arms around Hakyeon, hands seeking the hem of his T-shirt. This time, when Taekwoon began lifting up his shirt, Hakyeon let him. He raised his arms as Taekwoon pulled it over his head. The shirt went flying unnecessarily hard across the room.

            Before Hakyeon could feel shy or embarrassed about his body, Taekwoon brought their bare chests together. He was overwhelmed by the heat of Taekwoon’s skin against his own. The softness and smoothness were imprinted on his body, burned into his memory. They remained in each other’s embrace for a while, simply enjoying the warmth.

            Taekwoon pulled back. Hakyeon immediately covered his nipples with his hands. He was insecure about his body, especially his tan skin and lack of abs. He avoided revealing his body publicly and privately as much as possible. Of course, Taekwoon had seen his body before, considering the fact that they lived together and shared the same room with a few of the other members, but it was the first time he had ever revealed himself like this. Hakyeon felt like he had to explain himself when Taekwoon looked at him with concern.

            “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just—a little nervous…”

            Taekwoon placed his hands on Hakyeon’s upper arms, stroking them up and down. Their eyes met, and Hakyeon felt bad for ruining the mood again.

            “Why?”

            Hakyeon averted his gaze before responding, “You know I’m kind of self-conscious about my body…I’m—I’m scared you’ll think I’m ugly.”

            Taekwoon gently tipped Hakyeon’s head back, index finger under his chin. When he had no other choice but to look at Taekwoon’s face, he was surprised to see a genuine look of confusion in Taekwoon’s eyes.

            “But Hakyeon…you’re beautiful.”

            Taekwoon’s earnest face became blurry as tears formed in Hakyeon’s eyes. Taekwoon pulled him into another embrace, resting his chin on Hakyeon’s shoulder. It took a lot of effort to keep from crying, but he managed.

            Taekwoon released Hakyeon and gently grasped his wrists, massaging them with his thumbs. He kept eye contact with Hakyeon as he slowly pulled his hands away from his chest. He positioned Hakyeon’s arms so they were once again around his neck. Hakyeon shivered when Taekwoon placed his hands on his waist. Grateful that Taekwoon was considerate enough to not look at his body right away, Hakyeon kissed him.

            The kiss intensified quickly. Hakyeon was thrusting his tongue in Taekwoon’s mouth at a desperate pace, breaking rhythm only when Taekwoon ghosted his fingertips up his spine with the lightest of touches. Hakyeon leaned forward slightly, instinctively avoiding the tickling sensation.

            Suddenly, he felt a sharp twinge of pleasure as Taekwoon brushed his thumb against his nipple. He broke the kiss unintentionally as his back arched of its own volition, chest pushed right in Taekwoon’s face. He wanted to cover himself again, embarrassed by his body’s reaction, but he lost all capacity to think as Taekwoon’s mouth closed over his nipple.

            Hakyeon gasped at the warm, wet sensation. A loud moan followed when Taekwoon began sucking. He continued to whimper with his head thrown back, feeling his pants grow uncomfortably tight. Merciless, Taekwoon gave his other nipple some attention, rubbing and pinching. His body was trembling. After a few more gentle pulls, Taekwoon teeth grazed against his nipple. Hakyeon dug his fingers into Taekwoon’s shoulders, not sure if he was trying to push him away or pull him in.

            “A-ah. Taekwoon…”

            Taekwoon bit down. Hard.

            “ _Taekwoon!_ ”

            Hakyeon felt himself twitch violently in his pants from the pain-laced pleasure. Taekwoon removed his mouth with a small smacking sound. Hakyeon tilted his head forward to meet Taekwoon’s eyes. His pupils were dilated, making his eyes look even darker than they normally were. They stared at each other for a few moments, chests heaving.

            Without warning, Taekwoon half lifted, half shoved Hakyeon off of him. The world went off-kilter for a brief second as he seemed to fly through the air before landing on his left side on the futon. He tried to prop himself up on his elbow, but Taekwoon was already there, pushing him down onto his back.

            Taekwoon paused, hovering over Hakyeon with one knee firmly planted between his thighs and his hands on either side of his shoulders. Hakyeon was really nervous, but was quickly distracted by the sight of Taekwoon above him.

            His face was flushed, perhaps from desire or the effort he exerted to hold himself back. Maybe it was embarrassment. He was panting through his parted, swollen lips. The muscles in his broad shoulders bunched up as he supported himself with trembling arms. Teeth marks were still visible on his collarbone, surrounded by an angry red spot. His nipples were hard and still a little pinker than normal.

            _I love him_ , Hakyeon realized for what was certainly not the first time. His chest seized, tightening with emotions too strong to express. He began to feel lightheaded, forgetting to breathe. Were they really going to do this? How did they even get here? What happened to their promise?

            Hakyeon met Taekwoon’s nearly black eyes, and the doubt slowly began to melt away. He loved this man, loved him so much it hurt. But they both know that if they decided to carry through, this would be the first and the last time. They could give in now, but just this once.           Hakyeon also knew that there would be no going back. Maybe if they hadn’t already started, they could’ve forgotten each other’s confessions well enough to truly remain best friends. But they had already started this, and it looked like they were going to finish it. Which meant, of course, their friendship would change permanently. Sure, they could probably hide it from everyone else, but they would never be able to ignore the irreversible, painful scar they were about to inflict on one another.

            But Hakyeon wasn’t going to focus on any of that. He was going to go through with this, and he was going to enjoy every second of it, consequences be damned. He wrapped his arms around Taekwoon’s neck, staring at him with lust-filled eyes.

            “I need you,” he whispered.

            Taking that as license to continue, Taekwoon melded their lower bodies together. Taekwoon’s thick thigh slid against Hakyeon’s erection, and he had to bite his lip to keep quiet. Then he felt Taekwoon’s hardening length press into his hip. He sucked in a breath and held it. The suspense was making his whole body tense. Taekwoon began moving his hips in little circles, grinding into him. They groaned at the same time and desperately sought each other’s mouths.

            Hakyeon sucked Taekwoon’s lower lip in between his teeth and gave it a not-so-gentle bite. Taekwoon pulled away from the pain and chose to instead lock his mouth on Hakyeon’s neck. He sucked another bruise onto the other side of Hakyeon’s neck, a little lower than the previous one, right on the jugular. Hakyeon clawed at Taekwoon’s bare back. He was overwhelmed and couldn’t decide what sensation to focus on, but the decision was made for him when Taekwoon forcefully pressed his hip onto his arousal. Taekwoon swallowed the moan that was about to escape from Hakyeon, their mouths crashing together in a wet kiss.

            But Hakyeon was dying to take it further. He craved more of Taekwoon’s skin, heat, touch. Taekwoon must have received the unspoken message because he was suddenly rearing back onto his knees.

            The cool absence was disappointing, but Hakyeon took a moment to appreciate the view. Taekwoon was hunched over, head hung as he looked down at himself. His erection was straining against the black track pants he wore low on his hips. Hakyeon was nervous, wanting to see Taekwoon, but also fearing having to show himself in turn. Taekwoon’s thumbs hooked into the waistband of his pants, but he paused, suddenly shy.

            “Taekwoon…it’s okay. You’ve already accepted me, and I’m also going to accept you,” Hakyeon said in a voice just barely above a whisper.

            Taekwoon blushed furiously at the statement and had to take a deep breath. With trembling hands, he pushed his pants and boxers down at the same time, slowly revealing himself. He let out the little sigh he always does whenever extremely embarrassed. Fumbling slightly, he shifted his weight to one knee in order to pull one leg out and then did the same for the other. He tossed his clothes on the growing pile beside the futon, and then sat back on his haunches, completely naked.

            Hakyeon was speechless. His eyes were wide as they raked over Taekwoon’s body, taking in every inch of him. The muscles in his thighs were bulging from the position he was in, his broad shoulders bunched as his hands squeezed his knees in nervousness. The blush was slowly spreading from his face to his neck and chest. Hakyeon felt bad for making him feel uncomfortable, so he tried to reassure him.

            “Oh, Taekwoon…you are so…beautiful…” The last word was more of a painful sigh than anything else.

            Unable to handle any more compliments, Taekwoon quickly leaned back over Hakyeon and kissed him to shut him up. After a few seconds, Hakyeon began to feel that he, too, should undress completely. It was a terrifying thought. It had been hard enough to just take his shirt off. But with a stubborn resolve, his hands reached down between them to undo his pants, only to shake so badly that he couldn’t do much but fumble around.

            Taekwoon pulled back and covered Hakyeon’s trembling hands with his own. He brought one of Hakyeon’s hands up to his mouth and kissed it gently. As soon as he let go, Hakyeon crossed his arms over his chest, covering himself again in embarrassment. He watched Taekwoon undo his pants for him. His arousal was throbbing and leaking precome, and having Taekwoon’s long, slender fingers so close but not nearly close enough made it worse. Taekwoon grasped Hakyeon’s hips, thumbs biting into the soft flesh on the insides of his hipbones.

            “Lift,” he commanded.

            Hakyeon covered his face with his hands, extremely anxious. He felt Taekwoon’s fingers claw their way under the waistbands of both his pants and underwear. His thighs were weak and shaky as his lifted himself off the futon. Taekwoon began to slowly pull Hakyeon’s pants and underwear down his hips. He purposefully dragged the fabric roughly down Hakyeon’s erection, the friction making him whimper.

            Hakyeon lowered himself back onto the futon after his thighs were exposed. Taekwoon finished removing Hakyeon’s clothes and tossed them onto the floor with a soft _whumpf_. Hakyeon was still hiding behind his hands, hyper aware of the fact that he was completely naked and fully erect.

            “Hakyeon.”

            Hakyeon reluctantly uncovered his face to see Taekwoon’s right above his. Taekwoon had positioned himself on all fours over him, hands on either side of his shoulders, knees on either side of his thighs. He leaned down for a kiss, and Hakyeon responded enthusiastically.   After a moment and on a bold impulse, Hakyeon wrapped his hand around Taekwoon’s erection. Taekwoon tore his lips away from Hakyeon’s and sucked in a breath on a hiss. He hung his head, and Hakyeon could see his shoulder blades shifting under his skin as he readjusted his shaking arms to support himself. Taekwoon burned against his palm, branding him.

            Hakyeon began pumping at a lazy pace, drawing low, keening moans out of Taekwoon. He continued to tease him with languid strokes. Taekwoon reared his head back with a broken cry as Hakyeon pressed his thumb on the tip and smeared the precome forming there all around the head. Taekwoon’s entire body was trembling above him, especially his thighs as they struggled to hold up his weight.

            Hakyeon started pumping again, but much faster and harder this time. He looked up and was enraptured by Taekwoon’s face. His eyes were shut, eyebrows drawn together. He was biting his lip, and he had to pant through his nose. The sounds he made after he let out a held breath were intoxicating, and it made Hakyeon’s own arousal throb, begging for attention. Taekwoon had to open his mouth as his breathing became more laborious. His inhales were shaky, and his exhales came out as whimpers. He tried to speak between moans.

            “Ah, aah…Hak-Hakyeonnngh.”

            “Hmm?” Hakyeon hummed in a teasing reply. He smiled, enjoying the fact that he was the one responsible for making Taekwoon like this.

            “I’m…I need you to— _ooh_ —you have to st-stop, or… _Hakyeon!_ ”

            Hakyeon pulled his hand off right before Taekwoon came. Taekwoon’s body shuddered from the denied release. Hakyeon was slightly surprised that Taekwoon had gotten so close so easily from just a hasty handjob. As he waited for Taekwoon to catch his breath, Hakyeon wondered what was going to happen next.

            Taekwoon soon answered that question. He shifted his weight to his left hand and lifted his right to Hakyeon’s face. Hakyeon closed his eyes as Taekwoon’s fingertips brushed his cheekbone and then he turned his head into the touch. Taekwoon caressed Hakyeon’s swollen lower lip with his thumb. Hakyeon sighed a little through his nose when Taekwoon’s touch disappeared. But then it returned, forceful and demanding against the seam of his lips.

            Hakyeon opened his eyes and looked down, slightly cross-eyed, at Taekwoon’s index finger pushing against his lips. He opened his mouth just enough for the tip of Taekwoon’s finger to push in. Teeth biting down on the first knuckle, Hakyeon licked the pad of Taekwoon’s finger. After a few seconds, he let Taekwoon continue to slowly push his finger into his mouth, moving his tongue along the underside all the while. As soon as his finger was in to the third knuckle, Taekwoon pressed down on Hakyeon’s tongue, and he had to fight the urge to gag. Taekwoon let up on the pressure and met Hakyeon’s watering eyes.

            “Suck.”

            Hakyeon closed his eyes again and complied, sucking on Taekwoon’s finger for a while before Taekwoon pulled it back out. He immediately went back in, this time adding his middle finger. Hakyeon moaned around Taekwoon’s fingers as he scissored them in his mouth. He fought his gag reflex and the urge to bite down when Taekwoon started thrusting them roughly on top of his tongue.

            When Taekwoon finally had three fingers in his mouth, he wasn’t able to move them around much, so Hakyeon alternated between licking around them and sucking on them. Tears leaked out of the corners of his tightly closed eyes as he tried to concentrate on getting Taekwoon’s fingers as wet as possible.

            After his fingers were thoroughly coated with saliva, Taekwoon pulled them out of Hakyeon’s mouth. Hakyeon opened his eyes and had to blink a few times to clear his vision. Taekwoon’s face came into focus, and their gazes met. Taekwoon’s stare was on fire, boring into him with great intensity, never wavering even as Hakyeon turned his head to look at Taekwoon’s large hand still hovering in midair. Hakyeon watched Taekwoon slowly spread his fingers right above his face. Strings of sticky saliva—his own saliva—obscenely connected them. Hakyeon couldn’t help but imagine those long fingers inside of him.

            “Taekwoon…please…”

           Taekwoon repositioned both his and Hakyeon’s limbs so that he was on his knees in between Hakyeon’s legs. Hakyeon felt his face burn as Taekwoon crouched down, gripped his left ankle, and lifted his calf to rest on his strong shoulder. He felt vulnerable as he lay completely open to Taekwoon.

            He didn’t notice how tense his legs were until Taekwoon’s left hand gently squeezed his right thigh. Taekwoon ran his hand up Hakyeon’s leg, getting close to but never actually touching his erection. His hand stopped at Hakyeon’s hip, grasping it firmly. Their eyes met.

            “Hakyeon…you have to relax. I don’t want to hurt you.”

            “I’m sorry…I’ll try.”

            Hakyeon let his head fall back against the futon and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and willed himself to relax. Slowly, the tension in his muscles bled out, his legs opening further. It took a lot of trust, but Hakyeon surrendered both his heart and his body to Taekwoon in that private moment.

            “I’m ready,” he whispered.

            Hakyeon’s body jolted as he felt Taekwoon’s wet finger brush against the sensitive skin of his perineum. Taekwoon paused, perhaps worried by his reaction. Hakyeon made an impatient sound in his throat.

            “More…”

            The touch resumed, moving further back. Taekwoon began circling his finger around Hakyeon’s rim. Hakyeon whined at the teasing touch, wiggling his hips a little. Taekwoon’s hand pushed harder on his hip, holding him down and keeping him still. He continued to trace his finger in tighter and tighter circles until the tip was pressed right up against Hakyeon’s entrance. Hakyeon tensed in anticipation, but reminded himself to relax.

            Taekwoon waited for Hakyeon’s entrance to pucker around his fingertip and then slowly pushed it into the tight ring of muscle. Hakyeon let out a wet, wrecked moan as he felt himself being penetrated. He had to consciously keep himself from clenching as Taekwoon’s finger continued to enter him. Once it was all the way in, Hakyeon had to breathe deeply through his nose. His eyes were squeezed shut in concentration, trying to relax and focus on the foreign sensation at the same time.

            Taekwoon carefully pulled his finger back out to the first knuckle. He pushed it back in again, making Hakyeon groan at the friction. Hakyeon fisted the futon in his hands as Taekwoon began thrusting his finger in and out at a very slow pace. The slick, sliding feeling was bizarre but not unpleasant. Hakyeon became used to it fairly quickly, and Taekwoon started moving faster.

            After a few moments, Hakyeon thought he was ready for more.

            “Taekwoon…I-I think I’m…okay…”

            Taekwoon responded immediately, pulling his finger almost the way out and pressing his middle finger against his entrance. He stretched Hakyeon just enough to get the second finger in, and then slowly thrust in again. He paused, letting Hakyeon get used to the stretch. It was painful, but still pleasurable. Hakyeon gave Taekwoon the okay, and Taekwoon began curling and scissoring his fingers inside of him.

            A little while later, Taekwoon added a third finger. The stretch burned. It was painful enough for Hakyeon to soften slightly. Tears pricked at his eyes, and his breathing was erratic. As soon as Taekwoon’s three fingers were in as far as they could go, Hakyeon made him stop. It was quite a long time before Hakyeon could relax, but the burn did fade. It was still painful, of course, but he was becoming numb to it.

            Unable to easily thrust three fingers, Taekwoon just lightly twitched and rotated them gently inside of Hakyeon. The way Taekwoon crooked his fingers inside of him felt strange, and the sounds Hakyeon made as he did so were very embarrassing.

            Suddenly, Hakyeon felt an acute rush of pleasure radiate throughout his entire body. He gasped, mouth and eyes wide open. Taekwoon looked at him with a slightly confused expression. He had just brushed against Hakyeon’s prostrate. Putting two and two together, one side of Taekwoon’s mouth lifted up in a smirk. He repeated what he just did, and received the same reaction.

            Hakyeon’s eyes watered as Taekwoon continued to abuse that spot without mercy. He was once again completely hard, leaking all over himself. His thighs twitched involuntarily and his hips bucked off the futon as the pleasure quickly built up.

            “Taekwoon…oh, _Taekwoon_ ,” Hakyeon moaned. “I’m so…I can’t—I can’t take any more. Stop… _please_.”

            Taekwoon listened, slowly pulling out. He removed Hakyeon’s leg from his shoulder and gently laid it on the futon. Taekwoon let him rest for a few moments. He was spent, heart racing, chest heaving. His arousal was hot and needy against his stomach, having been ignored the entire time.

            Hakyeon watched Taekwoon lick his left palm several times before spitting into it. He began stroking his erection, using his own saliva as lubrication. The sight was incredibly arousing. Hakyeon decided to follow suit, taking himself in hand as he kept watching Taekwoon. They both moaned, swallowed up in the sensations. Taekwoon spit into his hand again, slicking himself for Hakyeon.

            Hakyeon stopped touching himself when Taekwoon grabbed his right shin and folded his leg up. Taekwoon repositioned himself over him, propped up on his right elbow. Hakyeon felt lightheaded and scared as Taekwoon aligned himself with his entrance. The hot, wet feel of Taekwoon against his rim was overwhelming.

            Even though he had been thoroughly prepared, it still hurt when Taekwoon began pushing into him. Taekwoon groaned, sweat starting to bead on his forehead. Hakyeon tried his best to relax, but Taekwoon still had to give him time to adjust every so often until he was all the way in. He held himself up with his forearms on either side of Hakyeon’s body. He shook as he waited for Hakyeon to tell him it was okay.

            Finally, Hakyeon wrapped his legs around Taekwoon’s hips, crossing them at the ankle. He circled Taekwoon’s neck with his arms and curled up to kiss him passionately. Taekwoon pulled out until just the tip was breaching Hakyeon and then pushed back in very slowly. Hakyeon whined from the pain and bit Taekwoon’s lip as a kind of revenge. Taekwoon huffed, his breath hot and wet against Hakyeon’s face.

            Taekwoon continued to move in slow, steady, deep thrusts, kissing Hakyeon all the while. The pain slowly faded as the pleasure began to build. It took a while for Taekwoon to find Hakyeon’s prostate, but once he angled his hips just right and thrust in deep, Hakyeon was seeing stars. Taekwoon kept his hips right up against Hakyeon and started moving them in a circular motion so he could continue to stimulate Hakyeon’s prostate.

            Hakyeon broke the kiss and lay back. His back arched off the futon as Taekwoon found the best way to pleasure him. Every inhale was a gasp and every exhale was a fervently whispered, ‘Taekwoon.’ As Hakyeon tilted his head back, Taekwoon kissed his prominent Adam’s apple. He licked at Hakyeon’s sweaty skin, moving to the crook of his neck. Taekwoon bit down firmly and sucked at the same time, leaving yet another bruise.

            After another quick smack on the lips, Taekwoon began moving his hips in quick, sharp thrusts. Hakyeon moaned, lamenting the loss of stimulation of his prostate. But the slick friction quickly distracted him. He knew Taekwoon found this more pleasurable, and Hakyeon watched him through half-lidded eyes. Taekwoon’s breathing was picking up, his skin gleaming with a sheen of sweat. He tilted his head back, mouth open, and moaned unabashedly loudly when Hakyeon dug his fingers into his back. Strands of sweat-soaked hair fell in his face as he snapped his head back down and kept thrusting.

            After letting his own pleasure build up for a while, Taekwoon shifted his weight to his right elbow. He curled his left hand around Hakyeon’s erection and began stroking him as he continued moving. Taekwoon’s large, warm hand, the cool, hard metal of his VIXX friendship ring, and his punishing pace rapidly brought Hakyeon close.

            The sudden, cold realization that their time was almost over made Hakyeon shiver despite the very tangible heat of their connected bodies. He wanted it to last longer. He wanted to savor their privacy and intimacy for an eternity. He wanted to scream at the unfairness. He wanted to experience this visceral, physical, and emotional connection with Taekwoon again and again.

            Of its own accord, Hakyeon’s body forced his attention away from his thoughts. The tension was building quickly now. His thighs flexed, his toes curled into the futon, his erection burned. But he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready for it all to be over. He wasn’t ready for the pain.

            Hakyeon desperately clawed at Taekwoon’s back. He raked his fingernails down Taekwoon’s smooth skin, leaving angry red lines and even breaking skin. Taekwoon cried out from the sting and bit down hard on Hakyeon’s neck to muffle the sound.

            Hakyeon came.

            The release of tension was too sudden for Hakyeon to even make a sound. His mouth was open, but he was holding his breath. His wide eyes watered as Taekwoon kept stroking him through his orgasm. Taekwoon’s hips stuttered as Hakyeon clenched rhythmically around him. Come covered his stomach and chest, burning his skin.

            After he rode out the last waves of his orgasm, Taekwoon removed his hand from Hakyeon, propped himself up on both elbows again, and started thrusting at an unforgiving pace. Hakyeon gasped. Taekwoon kept hitting his prostate, and the overstimulation was downright painful. His thighs twitched uncontrollably around Taekwoon’s hips, and his breath came in sharp gasps.

            “Taekwoon! _Taekwoon!_ ”

            Tears began flowing freely as he endured the pain and lamented the fact that it was almost over. Hakyeon removed his hands from Taekwoon’s back to cover his face. He tried to cry silently as Taekwoon sought his own release, but loud, broken sobs escaped from under his hands.

            Suddenly, Hakyeon felt something hot and wet drip onto the back of his hand. He uncovered his face to see Taekwoon’s eyes shining with tears. Hakyeon blinked a couple times in surprise. Another tear fell from Taekwoon’s eye and landed on his cheek. Hakyeon’s own tears redoubled as he watched Taekwoon squeeze his eyes shut in both pleasure and shame.

            “Hakyeon…”

            At a loss for anything else he could do, Hakyeon pulled Taekwoon down for a desperate kiss. It was salty and bitter, but no less filled with love than any other kiss they had shared that evening.

            Finally, Taekwoon broke the kiss and rested his head in the crook of Hakyeon’s neck as he came inside of him. The wet warmth felt bizarre, and Hakyeon was for sure that this was another way Taekwoon had wanted to mark him, claim him. Taekwoon pulled out slowly and then collapsed beside Hakyeon.

            Unable to process his emotions, Hakyeon just stopped crying. He was in a state of so much anguish that he subconsciously made himself become mentally numb, essentially falling into the black pit of denial. Hakyeon felt the physical aftermath, but was temporarily incapable of associating the pain and consequences of the act with it.

            With his eyes closed, Hakyeon felt as if he was in someone else’s body. It wasn’t his come drying on his stomach and chest. It wasn’t his rectum that was throbbing. It wasn’t his anus out of which Taekwoon’s come was slowly oozing. It wasn’t his tear-stained cheeks that Taekwoon gently wiped. It wasn’t his swollen eyelids on which Taekwoon kissed away the last traces of tears.

            But when Hakyeon opened his eyes again and met Taekwoon’s loving, concerned, ashamed gaze, emotion flooded back into him. Each beat of his still racing heart returned feeling and a sense of connection to both himself and Taekwoon. Fresh tears stung his eyes as he caressed Taekwoon’s cheek.

            “I love you,” Hakyeon whispered.

            Taekwoon closed his eyes and placed his hand on top of Hakyeon’s. He didn’t respond, but gently pulled Hakyeon’s hand away from his face and then pressed a chaste kiss to Hakyeon’s forehead.

            Suddenly, Taekwoon sat up. The absence of his body heat right next to him made Hakyeon shiver, goosebumps rising all over his skin. Hakyeon also sat up, wondering what Taekwoon was going to do. When Taekwoon stood and then paused, standing rigidly and still naked, Hakyeon felt like he had to say something.

            “I…I said I love you.”

            Once again, there was no response. Instead, Taekwoon started to get dressed. A feeling of dread settled in Hakyeon’s stomach. What was going on?

            “Taekwoon?” he said in a tiny, tentative voice.

            No response.

            “Taekwoon…I love you.”

            By now, Taekwoon was already dressed, his back to Hakyeon. He walked over to the door and grabbed the handle.

            “ _Taekwoon!_ ” Hakyeon screamed, his shrill voice cutting through the silence like a knife.

            Taekwoon paused, and Hakyeon watched him with barely controlled panic. He needed a response. This couldn’t be how it was going to end.

            “I love you,” Hakyeon started, voice just barely above a whisper. “I love you, Taekwoon. I love you.” Tears were falling in a steady stream by now. “I love you. I-I love—I love you. _I love you!_ ”

            Hakyeon kept repeating those three words over and over until they came out as unintelligible sobs. He was practically begging Taekwoon to respond. Taekwoon turned around, head hung and staring at the floor. Hakyeon bit his lip and held his breath as he waited for Taekwoon to say something, anything.

            Finally, Taekwoon looked up to meet Hakyeon’s eyes. A small, sad smile turned up the corners of his lips. Everything went still and silent. Hakyeon doubted that even his own heartbeat would have dared to break the tense silence. Taekwoon opened his mouth, sucking in a little breath before he spoke.

            “I love you, too, my lifelong friend.”

            Hakyeon’s body convulsed, desperate to breathe but unable to do so because of the intensity with which he started sobbing. The agony was overwhelming as Taekwoon left him alone in the bedroom. Hakyeon heard the front door open and close, and he couldn’t even process what was going on. He curled into a little ball on his side, drawing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs. He was cold, naked, and broken.

            Hakyeon lay in the fetal position, choking on his own sobs as he randomly thought about the lyrics of “Too Painful a Love Was Not Love.” He thought the lyrics were wrong. He didn’t believe that the excruciating amount of pain he was drowning in meant his love for Taekwoon was, in fact, not love at all. Rather, Hakyeon honestly believed that this kind of pain could only ever come from the truest love that exists.


End file.
